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5th September 2003

2:29pm: Everyone has finally left.

God, I hate funerals....

The kids cried... Claude cried... I ... I don't know, I feel... empty... angry.

We'll I'll get those fuckers if it's the last thing I do...

4th September 2003

11:47pm: Funeral's at 10am tomorrow, at the Methodist Church on 44th and East. Hope those who are coming can find it. Don't bring flowers, please... Cecile's parents are providing flowers. If you feel the need, then make a donation to the New York Children's Society, their Charity of choice. Thank you.

Claude's bringing the kids down for the funeral, I'm meeting them there and then they're going straight back to Marti's house. I may be joining them over the weekend, providing my nerves and Dylan's kindness can cope with the journey...

PRIVATE -

I can't sleep, haven't slept. I need the kids here. Need Claude, need Helen... need someone... I can't be on my own, I hate it on my own. I've been sitting in my armchair, staring... just sitting and staring.

I need to shave before tomorrow.

Fuck... what am I going to do, how can we stop this?


TO ALL-

Will, I'm so sorry for you, I do hope that Viola is quite all right. I understand your reasoning behind sending them all away, the children's safety is paramount, they can't be endangered because of our... situation.


If the fuckers are going to fight dirty... then we do too...
Current Mood: angry

29th August 2003

12:54pm: Funeral's next Friday.


*shrugs* I know none of you really knew the Malivoires, but... Claude and I would appreciate it if people come.

Andrea's boss wanted a big CIA affair, but Cecile's family stepped in, its just a quiet double funeral. Classy, you know?

Anyway. Yeah... everythings sorted...

PrivateCollapse )
1:06am: OOC: tom now has aim! yay! i downloaded aim + so all my split personalities can have screen names... tom's is DuncCochrane ... his middle name is Duncan and all the ones with tom in were taken ;)


glae

xx

25th August 2003

8:42pm: I passed out for a few hours today... exhaustion... woke up just now in my bed with the kids wrapped round me. Amelie was asleep on my chest, Joshua curled up against my side.

It was... nice... comforting.

I didn't sleep all weekend, sat in a chair in the lounge with my gun and a bottle of JD.... yes, my old friend Jack's back...

fuck it.

I feel like shit. I look even worse. And I feel... empty...

NYPD called me to let me know they weren't going to charge me. I don't know what Will did, but I need to thank him... I'm going to give him than twenty year old bottle of Glenfiddich I have stashed somewhere that Dad sent me.... if I can find it. He likes whiskey. He deserves it. Police actually apologised, said the most sensible thing was to get out... said they shouldn't have suspected me.

Huh.


Claudia's gone out... Susan's asleep on the couch, curled around Mr Fluffytail... that toy freaks me out, I think we ought to get Finn or someone look at it... see if there's anything to it...


When Claude gets back... we need to... I need to....

They've released the bodies, we canplan the funeral...


We need to tell them... I need to tell Joshua that his parents aren't coming back...

23rd August 2003

4:06pm: *calls Claudia's cell phone*
2:42pm: Marti sounded so scared… I scared her… Spence wasn’t there. She told me to get out. I can’t. I’m under house arrest. They think I did this… There’s no proof, they haven’t arrested me… yet… but they said I should call a lawyer. I don’t have a lawyer, I don’t know any lawyers.

Claudia took the kids, went to her parents. Joshua was crying and Amelie was screaming, they don’t know what’s happened yet. They just knew something was wrong. But Marti was right, they shouldn’t be in the house anymore… I’m glad they’re not here. But now I’m here… on my own…

There’s no fucking JD… why did I throw it out? Fuck it.

They can tie it to me. They can. As far as they’re concerned, there was only me, Claudia and the kids here other than Andrea and Cecile. They said it had to have been a man… Cecile’s neck was broken… they said it had to have been me… they just couldn’t prove it…

No signs of forced entry. No signs of a struggle. Like someone crept up behind them… or something

it wasn’t me… it wasn’t…

Oh god… tell me this is a horrible nightmare… tell me I’m going to wake up and none of this will have happened, they’ll still be in New Hampshire… and alive…

God… I need a drink… need something… someone… I’m going to go mad stuck in here… I can smell the blood, feel the fear…

I can feel the panic attacks starting. Do not want to be on my own right now.

I should ring Will, or Finn... or anyone... I can't deal with this by myself...

*grabs his cell and tries a few numbers, waiting for someone to answer*
1:37pm: God... The police finanlly left around 8am... I think they're convinced I killed them... Who else could it have been? There was only me, Claudia and the kids here. Right? Wrong. But how the fuck am I going to get the NYPD to believe that?

They told me to call a lawyer.

The only reason they haven't arrested me yet? ... no weapon... no obvious stab or gun shot wounds... just puncture wounds to the neck and wrists... and blood... lots of blood...

They won't let me get rid of the couch, said it's 'evidence'...

I dont' know what to do. I need some help.

Spence... Spence is a cop... Marti...


*picks up phone and dials Martis' apartment, praying someone will answer*
12:38am: Oh God... Oh fucking god...

The police are swarming all over the apartment... Claudia's crying... I don't know what to do, I don't fucking know what to do.

Andrea and Cecile arrived, they popped round to see the kids, they got back from their trip and popped round... fuck... why did they come round...

The kids dozed off and Claudia and I took them up to bed, it took me ages to tuck Joshua in because he was sleepy but in pain... then... I went downstairs...


Oh God...

Why didn't we hear anything? I was upstairs for what? Forty minutes? Tops.

She was dead. Sitting on the sofa... dead... She's dead... And he... Andrea... he was close... but not... and I touched him and I Saw

Oh God


They made him watch. Made him watch while they killed her. Two vamps.

Two vamps in my apartment

I didn't hear anything

They're dead

They're both dead. Andrea and Cecile. Amelie's parents. Dead. Just lying there... dead.

Claudia's crying.

22nd August 2003

2:41pm: Apologies
Fuck...

I'm so sorry. I wasn't there. I'm not sure I could have helped anyway... but I wasn't there...

Joshua broke his leg, I've been with him at the hospital since last Tuesday. Bad break. He's been in a lot of pain. it hurts to see him in pain... Andrea and Cecile are out of town for the next few weeks and I've been looking after Amelie and Joshua. And he broke his leg... Great Dad I am. He fell off his bike.

I sent an email into work, but I doubt anyone got it with all the crap that's being going on down there. I'm so sorry guys. Will, Marti, Aileen, Aidan, I hope to God you're all right now. And if not... that you will soon be.

I'm chasing up some leads, in between visiting the hospital. He's coming home tonight, should make life easier, Amelie misses him.

Will, guns I can do. Guns I can handle. But stakes? Vampires? All this shit is new territory to me. I know I couldn't have handled all the shit you did... If someone's willing to teach me how to stake a vamp, I'm willing to learn, I need to learn. For the kids' sake if nothing else...


Private ponderingsCollapse )

28th July 2003

5:32pm: I haven't updated for weeks... i've been hiding in my apartment... have been so sick. Bah... should call Will and let him know I'll be in this week...

Have got some interesting work to get started on now i'm better. Few weird disappearances downtown to investigate, some woman wants me to find out if her husband's cheating on her... the usual... I'll get round to it at some point.

Haven't seen Claudia the last few days, she's been keeping herself busy.

And Gracie? She's still here...

12th July 2003

2:51pm: I completely forgot Helen's birthday...

... I'm a shit...



She probably didn't notice anyway...

8th July 2003

7:17pm: What a start to the week... Claudia and Susan have moved in. Which is... nice. Susan's toy rabbit freaks me out a little, and I get really strong vibes off Claude. I'm glad they sleep downstairs, gives me a chance to relax.

I really upset Helen the other day. And I'm so sorry for it, but... I just don't see how we could ever have anything easy, or peaceful, or calm... and i want that for her and i don't think she'd ever find it with me... i'm not good enough for her.

It's helen's birthday this week... she'll be 17... i don't know whether to take her something round or just post her something. i don't want to upset her again...

I have to go pick Joshua up from school now, he's going to stay over here tonight, and Amelie. The three of us and Susan are going to watch Disney movies and eat junk food!

She's still here...
Current Mood: tired

5th July 2003

2:03pm: We spent the night together, the whole night. I don’t know why. Whether it was the whiskey, or Helen… or, just seeing her after all these years… We didn’t even manage to get up the stairs the first time. We were barely through the door and we were ripping each other’s clothes off, and it was quick, and sweaty, and hardly satisfying. We were both clutching for something that wasn’t there… someone… I went upstairs to sleep, and was woken up about 2am by her creeping into my bed, curling up against me and stroking my chest, her head resting on my shoulder. And then the tears came, and this time it was slow, comforting. We were healing each other… or trying to at least. We both wept, and she fell asleep again curled up on my chest.

And now? Now she’s asleep in my bed, and I don’t want to wake her, don’t want to acknowledge what happened. She isn’t Helen… isn’t Rosie… And yet, in another way entirely, it felt right, very right…

But it wasn’t, isn’t…

4th July 2003

2:23pm: Bloody Fucking Effing Hell!

*Storms up the stairs from the main office area to the gym, pauses at the back entrance to the Blue Moon Bar, shakes his head then continues on upstairs, looking for a punch bag to beat the crap out of*

2nd July 2003

6:40am: Well, I'm back. We're back. It was weird. Dad was weird. He would barely talk to Cecile, and refused to cuddle Joshua. I thought he would be pleased to see his grandson after so long, but when he opened the door to us, it was like... like he'd seen a ghost... A very strange two weeks. Amelie and Joshua loved Scotland, we took them for walks, and to the farm where I grew up. There's no way I could ever seperate them now, they're so close... but I want to be his father, I want to make up for lost time, I want him to be my son... to be Rosie's son... the child we wanted and that she gave birth to.... Is that too much to ask?

I've brought a new apartment. Four bedrooms. Ridiculously expensive. But there you go. It's split over two floors. One large bedroom, two smaller rooms, a main bathroom and a roof terrace on the top floor, and another larger bathroom with an en suite bathroom on the lower floor. There's a main living area with a galley kitchen, no dining room but room for a kitchen table, and there's even a downstairs toilet and a room I can use for a study that has amazing views over the city. One of the upstairs bedrooms is going to be for Joshua, the larger one for me, and the third smaller one as a spare for if Amelie wants to stay. The downstairs room, I'm thinking of renting out. I overheard Cecile speaking to a friend of hers who's apparantly looking for a new apartment, maybe she'd be interested. Someone Andrea knows is probably a good bet as they'll already be vetted by the CIA.

For now, I'm tired, and jet-lagged, I want to have a bath in my new bathroom, and then read Harry Potter to Joshua and Amelie, they're coming round later. I've spent a lot of time with Cecile over the last two weeks, and she's beautiful, and incredibly intelligent and a wonderful parent.... but she isn't her... she isn't Helen... I've missed her so much. I need to phone her. Sod it, I need to go round there and sweep her into a huge hug and hold her and kiss her... but somehow I don't think that'd go down too well with her siblings....

I'll call her later.....

14th June 2003

4:21pm: *surveys the apartment*

Hmmm, not too bad... *Looks at the fairy lights decorating the roof garden and the candles decorating the apartment, music in the background, and alcohol in the fridge....*

Now, i wonder if anyone save me and the malivoires will turn up??
3:21pm: ah, now that is the way to spend your thirtieth birthday....

made me feel lonely thought... all those horny couples 'gettin' jiggy wit' it' .... as it were, Ellie and Aileen, Dylan and Finn, Noel and Will... and me... on my own... hmmph. Well Caley was on her own too, but MArti and Spence... oh god! MY EYES!!

hmmm

I think I'm going to watch some tv, then maybe order some takeout. Am feeling very relaxed at the moment. No jobs to follow up on at the minute, everythings taken care of, all I need to do is confirm the flights for next week, and I can't do that till monday. I'm taking Joshua to meet my Da, and Cecile and Amelie are coming with us. Andrea can't come, he's working, but Cecile wanted to... she's a nice girl... beautiful...

hmmm

13th June 2003

12:58pm: I'm thirty..

I turned thirty today...

weird...


I've also gone home, to my apartment. Everything seems normal. If a little... quiet... strange, smells a bit funny, but I think that might be the fridge, don't dare open it to see what's in there and gone mouldy... its very strange being here, all alone again. Nice, but strange.

Joshua is staying with Andrea and Cecile, they've gone home too. This seems strange, after having spent so long looking for him... i'm letting him stay with strangers... Except, Cecile and Andrea aren't strangers, they're his parents... And i'm not... not anymore.

He's safe with them

They love him

He loves them

Wouldn't it just be cruel to tear that all apart??

8th June 2003

1:30pm: Well, what a bizaare weekend. I'm not sure if anyone noticed that I disappeared from the Tanner house on friday night, but I went to stay with Andrea and Cecile Malivoire for the weekend, and to meet ... Joshua. My son. He's incredible. He's so intelligent and... he looks just like Rosie but with blonde hair, hes got her eyes though, her huge blue eyes. I think he was a bit scared of me at first, kept calling me Mr Cochrane, i told him he could call me Tom, and that seemed to relax him... i think he was worried that i'd expect him to call me Da... I don't, not yet, maybe not ever, only if he feels comfortable doing so...

So I met Cecile and their daughter Amelie as well, joshua loves her so much. He's a wonderful kid, and I'm so glad he's been brought up in that environment. He's so safe and loved and....

... can I really do this? Can I take him away from all that and throw him into this world? MY world? Of darkness and fear and nightmares and panics...

...maybe I shouldn't. Maybe he is better where he is, he seems to belong there....

Andrea and Cecile and Amelie and Joshua are coming to stay at the house. There's a series of rooms on the third floor that Noah says they can use, its almost like a flat. That way, Joshua can attend the school, and Amelie too, and we can get to know one another, but ... he won't be away from his 'famly'... and he'll be safe, they'll all be safe, because once they've 'associated' with me... they won't be...


It's my birthday on Friday. It's friday the 13th... and it's a full moon... very strange, I'm going to be thirty... not really looking forward to it at all...

I called Kelly last night, left a message on her cell phone to tell her where we all were and to call me, or jack, if she wants to come out here. I figured the disappearance of the journal building may have left her a little confused....

I found my son, I found Duncan :D I've been trying to call my Da, but I can't seem to get hold of him... hope he's okay...

5th June 2003

8:18pm: I don't know what to say... I met with Malivoire again today. He brought Joshua here... to the school, but I didn't meet him. He wants Joshua to learn more about this world before telling him about me.. I can understand that, I can... It's just, I want my son back, after all these years, I want to hold him, and see him, and... I wonder if he looks like Rosie? Or me? Or my Dad? .... GOD! This is frustrating!
Current Mood: frustrated
4:05am: I found him, well, JAck and Caley found him. Some French bloke that works for the CIA took him, and kept him! Duncan... Joshua, his name's Joshua now... thinks this bloke is his father... but we're going to tell him, everything, the truth.

And tomorrow I'm going to meet him! My son! After five years! I'm going to see him!

3rd June 2003

5:14pm: oh fucking hell... the fitz, no journal... its all gone... We got rushed into cabs and brought out into the middle of nowhere to Brian Tanner's house... who's Noah's dad and immortal and dated Jack in her previous life.... jesus...

I wonder where everyone is?

2nd June 2003

6:54pm: i'm out
i discharged myself. i can't just sit there in a hospital bed... I ... I walked past the journal on the way home, seems to be a lot of activity going on there, all the lights were on.

I should call someone from work, see when i can go back. see if they want me back...

Apparantly i have to see a psychologist


Apparantly i'm on the hospitals 'at risk' list.


What i am going to do? 'Hello Mr. Shrink person, my name's Tom, and i'm an alcoholic. I recently tried to kill myself and failed. My wife was murdered before my eyes when i was 25, and my child was stolen. I See the horror in everybodys life when I touch them, see it, feel it. Oh yes, I'm a freak. Now lock me up in a nice little padded cell please'


.... um...

NO.

31st May 2003

11:23am: *blinks softly, wincing slightly as blood pounds against his temples*

oh... fuck...

*fingers curl around the edge of a sheet, he can feel soft bandages wrapped around his wrists, a drip in his arm, hear the soft bipping of a heart-rate monitor. This is all too familiar, all too surreal.*

*mumbled, his lips barely moving*

I didn't want this.... I wanted to go... wanted... peace...
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